Settling?

Do you ever feel like sometimes your heart is settling? Think about it. Deep down you know you deserve better but you still stay. Maybe because out of all the bad days they show you one good one and you think they might be coming around. But they don’t and you’re right back to being hurt. You know that they aren’t worth it but you still give it everything. The whole situation is exhausting and you end up hating yourself for it. So why is it so hard to pull away? Is it because we want something so badly that were willing to hurt ourselves over it? Because in all honesty we might be happier letting go of this person that isn’t doing much for us. Maybe it’s the fear of starting over. Maybe we don’t want them to find someone better even though let’s be real there is no one better than US. It’s so easy for those people to put you second but here you are always putting them first.  One second you’re angry and crying telling yourself you wont answer and the next you’re getting in your car picking up food for them in freezing cold weather. It’s completely ridiculous and we know it but we do it anyways.

I am not an expert on “love.” I’m not even really sure I have ever felt it but I think I know what it’s supposed to feel and look like. It’s not always easy but it’s persistent and on going. A lot of us seem to forget that key word, love. We meet people and some of us mistake red flags for butterflies. We stay in situations that end up hurting us and sometimes we don’t even realize it until were completely drained. It’s crazy isn’t it? How easy our happiness can be killed but how hard it is to kill our sadness. I always hear people say that happiness is a choice and that very well could be but you also cant help the way you feel or how long you feel it for. That doesn’t mean that you give it power over you but that you’re human. Pain demands to be felt.

I couldn’t tell you why we have this settling behavior. Some might say low self esteem, low self respect or daddy issues. All of which could have something to do with it but maybe not. Maybe we just get to a point where we want to find that person that brings us peace. I don’t think anyone really has the answer honestly. What I do know is once a person has really had enough they finally let go. Sometimes walking away might be just as hard as staying but at least when a person walks away the pain is temporary and you really do come out stronger. If you are lucky enough to meet someone that is genuine, let them know how much they mean to you. I actually learned that when someone means something to you there is a part of you that becomes terrified of losing them. That emotion makes you completely shut down but you have to let them know what they mean to you. Even if it leads to pain because remember that you’re human and alive. Pain is just a part of it.

Surviving a Breakup: Week 1

Breakup’s are the worst. It doesn’t matter how long the relationship lasted, you just lost someone that was important to you and that my friends is unbearable to say the least.

Part I: The Background

Let me take you back to six months ago. I had rekindled a friendship with someone I had met in high school. I decided to reach out to him on social media and we started talking again. The talking continued everyday. After a while he became a part of my daily routine and seeing his name pop up on my screen became the highlight of all my days. I was crazy about him. He was everything I was looking for in a guy. His personality matched mine, he was smart, simple, fun, sweet, different and old fashioned. I will spare you some of the details but we really did take our time before making it official. I guess he hadn’t dated anyone in years so this whole dating thing was practically new to him. After a month of dating things started to change. His behavior, the way he talked to me and acted. He was cold, angry and sad. It was like the person I had fallen for was gone. The person standing in front of me was not the same guy that I had been talking to for months. I tried everything, gave him space, got him his favorite things, motivated him but it never seemed to be enough. I thought it was a phase….and if this happens to you just know ITS NOT A PHASE. Fast forward to a week before he was supposed to come over and meet my parents. I had bought him two new shirts and cleaned the whole place, everyone was excited to meet him. I talked him up so much!! I hadn’t been this excited about a person in a long time. Before you say maybe he got scared, he did not because he was the one to say that he wanted to meet them.

Part II: The End is Near

You know that gut feeling you get when you know it’s going to end but you try to ignore it and try to fix it but only end up making it worse and the truth comes out? I could feel his texts hinting towards something bad. Although instead of saying “we need to talk,” the guy said, “It’s time we talk about us and why I have such a hard time opening up.” I guess at that moment I felt some relief thinking he was finally going to open up to me (BECAUSE THATS ALL WE EVER WANT FROM YOU MEN TO OPEN UP DAMNIT) but no. That day I was going in for surgery and when I came out still under medication, he tells me he has to call me instead of just coming and seeing me. He calls and with the most emotionless tone of voice you could possibly have ends our relationship. I was trying to make sense of it all since again just had surgery and I really did not think he would actually end it. At that moment I did what most girls in my position would have done. I cried, I begged, I lost my self respect over a guy that seriously could careless about me. I won’t go out and say the reason for the breakup, it’s not my place but it made sense as to why he had a sudden change of behavior. I again made yet another smart decision to text him 30 times and get zero reply. Although I did text him after a few days that I missed him and hoped he would get better to which he replied “thank you.” THANK YOU?! You just ripped my heart out and lied to me for months and that’s all I get?! I don’t know why I expected anything more honestly.

Part III: The Aftermath

It has now been a week since the breakup and I think I may have cried myself dry. When he took down our relationship status on Facebook as dumb as it sounds, it really killed me. You always think that they need time to cool off and they will come back but no. For some reason when you’re going through a breakup social media is either super depressing or super relatable. The first stage of a breakup is depressing, it’s a lot of crying alone, to your friends and family. You hear the same things over and over again: “He’s an asshole,” “he doesn’t deserve you,” “don’t waste your tears on him,” “he will get his Karma,” “you’ll meet someone better.” I mean all true statements but who wants to hear that about a guy they wanted a future with? No one that’s who. The first few days are hard, you cry yourself to sleep maybe dream about them and wake up having to remind yourself that it’s over and there won’t be anymore good morning texts. You keep talking to your friends about it and some are brutally honest which makes you not like what they have to say even though its true and the other group of friends try to spare your feelings. Both equally appreciated. You also have to remove them from social media because seeing them follow someone new or post something new is going to crush you. Also I learned this the hard way but do not ask mutual friends about how they are doing like I did. The response I got back was “he acted like nothing was wrong.” NOTHING WRONG?! Heartless monster was my first thought because while he was out living it up with the boys I was in bed ugly crying, wearing oversized clothes, missing him. Obviously being angry never lasts long for me. I was back to reminiscing on the “good times” thinking of things I could have done differently to keep him around and crying over everything I would no longer have or get to have with him. There’s a hole in your heart and you have to learn to live with it for a while. If you’re anything like me when we date we give 100%. We want to make them feel special and appreciated and sometimes we literally get zero in return. We also get annoyed that we have yet again wasted perfectly good energy and have to start all over.

I am currently at the part where I am starting to see the red flags I ignored. I am slowly coming to terms with things changing and not being able to see him or that sweet dog of his. I won’t lie as much as he hurt me I miss him, I genuinely miss that insensitive person. Maybe it’s because I did genuinely think he was amazing, I saw something in him that he didn’t see, maybe it was the way he made me feel at times, or the plans we had for our future. You know, I have to really remind myself to this day that words really are just words. Sometimes I look at my phone and remember that I cant text him anymore and that sucks. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks of me at all or feels bad but that’s not healthy. This is one of those moments where you have to let go. Let go and remind yourself that it was not your fault and that you really are a bad ass human being. Someone that needs time but eventually will be just fine.